Among the many details that a lot of women consider way before becoming engaged is who we will have stand beside us at our wedding. Choosing someone to be your bridesmaid forever cements her into your history. Even if you lose touch with this person, she will be always appear in the photos from your special day.
I’m always curious about the one or two faces in my parents’ wedding album that I don’t recognize. “What happened to her?” I ask of the woman with the blond beehive hairdo. “Why did you two fall out of touch?” My mother’s answers are not often sentimental. So much more of life has happened in between. But there she is standing besides my mom in a lime green shift dress.
Sure, we often include siblings, cousins, and old friends – people who have and will be in our lives most likely forever. But there’s always that small chance of growing apart. So your choices are always a little bit of a gamble. Some find these decisions easier to make than others; if you have, for instance, three sisters, two sister-in-laws and one clear best friend, you already have a solid wedding party. According to Emily Post, four to six bridesmaids is the average for a formal or semiformal wedding – though in my experience, many people choose even larger parties – (twelve in my case, yikes!).
How do we choose a Bridesmaid
So how do we choose? If you account for at least one sister or sister-in-law, and maybe a close cousin or two, you realistically only have a few spots left. Let’s say one or two more spots go to old high school or college friend, then one or two more to your close work friends – the ones you spent hours talking to during the time leading up to your engagement, then there are the anomalies – possibly the friend who introduced you to your husband? You’re not necessarily the closest to her – in fact, maybe she is closer with your husband, but how can you not include her? In some cases, this person is asked to be a reader.
And, don’t forget about those people who have asked you to be in their weddings. How do you handle that? It can be tricky and a bit awkward. Of course you are not obliged to do the same, but you have to be prepared for how to address it if it ever comes up. And what about step-siblings? What if your parents divorced when you were young and you’ve grown up with these people basically your whole life? If you account for all of them, you may not have any room for friends, so perhaps it’s best not to include any of them.
This little exercise is just to illustrate that this is not an easy process; it’s one that most likely takes careful attention and consideration. Logistically speaking, it’s a good idea to keep in mind how you want your bridesmaids to be a part of both your engagement and your wedding day. These are things I did not necessarily think through when I was chose to have twelve bridesmaids, but are good to keep in mind as you make your decisions:
- –What kind of a bachelorette party do you want, if any? Bridesmaids are usually included and often even plan this party. If you want a small, intimate gathering, you may want to keep your wedding party on the smaller side.
- –Brides often show their gratitude to their bridesmaids by bestowing a small gift the day of the wedding. While this is by no means a requirement or even an expected exchange, it is a common practice. Keep this gift in the back of your mind when deciding how large your wedding party will be if you are working within a budget. It has also become customary to host a bridesmaid tea or luncheon the weekend of the wedding. This is often when brides and their wedding party exchange gifts.
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- –Don’t underestimate the cost of being in a wedding. If you are selecting the bridesmaids dresses (as most brides do), your bridesmaids will be responsible for paying for: these dresses, their travel, lodging (though Emily Post maintains this part is the bride’s responsibility), wedding gift, possibly also contributing to joint gift to the bride, as well as possibly using up some of their vacation days. It all starts to add up. You obviously don’t want to exclude someone because you don’t think she can afford it, so if you can, you may want to contribute to some of these expenses. If not, try not to choose an unreasonably priced dress or a faraway, expensive location.
- –How do you want your bridesmaids to be involved on the day of the actual wedding? Duties include but are not limited to: checking in with the bride to see if she needs anything like a drink, some lipstick or trips to the ladies’ room. During the ceremony and reception they often help pass out the programs, ask guests to sign the guest book, and encourage everyone to dance. Think about friends who have your best interest at heart. Include people who, while they are there to have fun and celebrate, will also work with you to make the weekend an enjoyable experience for everyone.
- –Bridesmaids are also often present while a bride is getting ready. Here is where I underestimated the size of my wedding party. While I wouldn’t take any of it back, I might have asked for just my sister and my sister-in-law to be present during this part of the day. It was very hectic in there with nearly twenty people in the room!
For some, the task of making these decisions becomes difficult to the point that a bride would rather not have a wedding party than unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings. We’ve all heard or possibly been a part of a story that includes a scorn bridesmaid. Or perhaps even the choice of who becomes maid of honor when a sibling is not an obvious choice. But that’s a whole different post…
Be prepared for the unexpected and remember that everyone else’s lives are still happening as you plan your wedding.
